Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Case Study No. 1084: The Librarian Sisterhood

The Librarian Sisterhood
This short film was created for the EKU Libraries Fall 2011 all-staff meeting. I came up with this idea several months ago, but numerous people helped bring it to fruition. I hope everyone enjoys watching it half as much as we enjoyed making it. I should point out that this in no way reflects EKU Libraries. No patron was harmed in the making of this film. -Richard Garland

Music by Kevin MacLeod
Tags: mockumentary library eku libraries richard garland comic funny
Added: 2 years ago
From: ekulibraries
Views: 4,921

Black Dog, Foxtwin, & Fairie Dragon
A Richard Garland Film

[scene opens with a young man (wearing glasses and a tweed jacket while holding a pipe) walking around the campus of Eastern Kentucky University and speaking directly to the camera]
RUPERT: Hello! We're here on the campus of Eastern Kentucky University, a seemingly idyllic institute of higher learning. The university offers programs which include mathematics, anthropology, and blunderbuss repair. At the heart of the university, and of the student experience, lies the John Grant Crabbe Library.
[he stops and points towards the entrance to the school library]
RUPERT: Behind this beautiful facade, however, lies a den of horrors. A carnival of terror. A quilting bee of brutality.
[cut to the man emerging from behind a pillar in front of the library]
RUPERT: The number of students found dead within these walls ...
[he whips off his glasses and stares ominously into the camera]
RUPERT: Is staggering!
[cut to the man poking his head up from behind a wall near the library]
RUPERT: It is estimated that if all the dead bodies pulled from these walls were stacked together, it would be the equivalent of a large pile ...
[he whips off his glasses again]
RUPERT: Of stinking corpses!
[cut to the man emerging from behind a tree]
RUPERT: What, or more specifically, who is behind this, you may ask ...
[he places the pipe in his mouth, then cut to the man walking up to a whiteboard (which seemingly has his entire speech written out in blue sharpie)]
RUPERT: They call themselves the "Librarian Sisterhood," or at least according to the few witnesses that were willing to talk.
[he whips off his glasses again, then cut to the man walking up to a corner of the library's outer facade and "hugging" it]
RUPERT: Within these walls, nothing escapes their gaze, and no transgression goes unpunished. Their retribution is swift, and always ...
[he whips off his glasses again]
RUPERT: Deadly!
[cut to the man sitting on the ground outside of the library]
RUPERT: Through interviews and hidden cameras, we've begun to knot together a macrame ...
[he whips off his glasses again]
RUPERT: Of the macabre!
[cut to the man standing outside of the library, as he walks towards the camera]
RUPERT: What you're about to see is not for the faint of heart.
["Rupert Van Witherbottom, Documentarianationalist" appears on screen]
RUPERT: Join me, Rubert Van Witherbottom, for our expose. The Librarian Sisterhood, you've just been ...
[he whips off his glasses again]
RUPERT: Withdrawn!
["The Librarian Sisterhood, You've just been withdrawn" appears on screen, then cut to the man sitting in a dark room talking to a young woman holding a large cardboard "dot" over her face]
RUPERT: If I understandulate correctly, madam-moy-zell, you were a member of the Librarian Sisterhood, and that you come to us now at great personal peril. Tell me, what prompted this pilgrimage to our production?
[cut to a closeup of the woman's obscured face]
FORMER MEMBER: Well, to be honest, I first joined the Sisterhood because I thought it was the Jelly of the Month club. It was only when I was forced to help dispose of a patron's body that I realized what the group was really about.
[cut back to the man]
RUPERT: Why didn't you simply go to the local constabulary with this informay-ciano?
[cut back to a closeup of the woman]
FORMER MEMBER: I feared for my life! The motto of the Sisterhood is "Ink In, Blood Out" ...
[she drops the dot (exposing her face), then quickly bends down to pick it up]
[she gets back into the frame (with the dot in front of her face again)]
FORMER MEMBER: No one crosses them, and lives to tell about it!
[cut back to the man]
RUPERT: So why open up about it now?
[cut back to a closeup of the woman]
FORMER MEMBER: I just can't sleep anymore, the guilt is eating me up inside! The things I've witnessed are truly terrible ...
[cut back to the man]
RUPERT: An example, please?
[cut back to a closeup of the woman]
FORMER MEMBER: Well, this one time ...
[the scene fades to black, then cut to a closeup of a "Please do not reshelve materials" sign in the library, as "Reenactment" appears on screen]
[the camera pans out to show a male patron entering the scene, as he pulls a copy of "The Crocheter's Quilt Book" off the shelf and begins leafing through it]
[the patron shakes his head and puts the book back, then pulls a copy of "The Book of Smocking" off the shelf and begins leafing through it]
PATRON REENACTOR 1: There are no patterns for my cape in here! It's called "The Book of Smocking," but ... it doesn't tell you how to smock!
[he puts the book back on the shelf, then steps back in surprise as a young female librarian (blonde hair, blue shirt, grey pants) approaches and taps her fingernails on the "Please do not reshelve materials" sign]
LIBRARIAN REENACTOR 1: Having trouble reading?
[cut to the patron tied up in a chair]
PATRON REENACTOR 1: Why do you have me tied up down here?
[the librarian enters the scene, holding a copy of Leonard Nimoy's "A Lifetime of Love Poems on the Passages of Life"]
LIBRARIAN REENACTOR 1: Oh, I've noticed that you had some trouble reading, so I'm here to help you with that!
[she holds the book up to his face, as he looks at the cover and begins to struggle]
[she opens up the book and begins reading]
LIBRARIAN REENACTOR 1: "If I were to take the time to tell you about each time that I think of you, I would spend all my time telling you about thinking of you."
[cut to another shot of the librarian holding the book, as the patron shrugs his shoulders]
PATRON REENACTOR 1: That wasn't so bad.
LIBRARIAN REENACTOR 1: Oh, that was just the warm-up!
[she continues reading]
LIBRARIAN REENACTOR 1: "Rocket ships are exciting, but so are roses on a birthday. Computers are exciting, but so is a sunset."
[he starts to struggle again]
PATRON REENACTOR 1: No no, anything but that! Help!
LIBRARIAN REENACTOR 1: "You mean so much to me, I wish I could be a cushion following you wherever you go. To be there, in case you should fall. I won't do that!"
PATRON REENACTOR 1: Argh, I hate Star Trek! I hate poetry! Help, kill me now!
LIBRARIAN REENACTOR 1: Oh, that can be arranged ...
[cut back to Rupert (who has his glasses in his mouth for some reason), as he spits them out and shakes his head in horror]
RUPERT: Good gravy! That is indeed monstrous!
[cut to a closeup of the woman's obscured face]
FORMER MEMBER: Oh, it gets worse! This other time ...
[the scene fades to black, then cut to another young female librarian (brown hair, blue shirt, grey pants) sitting at her computer, as "Reenactment" appears on screen]
[cut to a female patron sitting across the room, listening to loud music on her headphones and typing on her laptop]
[she laughs at something on the screen, as the librarian continues to sit at her computer stone-faced]
PATRON REENACTOR 2: Oh-em-gee! Oh no she didn't!
[cut back to the librarian, as she watches the patron take a box of cookies (taking out the bag and throwing the box over her shoulder) and begin eating]
[cut to a closeup of the librarian's face, as (without taking her eyes off the patron) she slowly brings a phone up to her ear]
[cut back to the patron, as she laughs loudly and slaps her hand repeatedly on the table, when her cellphone rings (to the sound of Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up")]
PATRON REENACTOR 2: [into phone] Hey! Yeah, I know! I was just chatting to her ... No! She can't! I know! Three watermelons!
[she pauses, then shakes her head]
PATRON REENACTOR 2: Naw, it's okay, I'm in the library ... I know. Well, I mean, if he was like four, then I would've been--
[she laughs]
PATRON REENACTOR 2: I know! No, that was the night before last, this time we have to leave early ... I know.
[the librarian from the original reenactment enters the scene and clears her throat while standing over the patron (who doesn't seem to realize she's there)]
PATRON REENACTOR 2: You better be! He woke you up at 3AM in the stupid morning--
LIBRARIAN REENACTOR 1: Would you please--
[the patron (choosing to ignore the librarian) reaches over and pops the tab on her can of soda]
[she takes a sip, so the librarian taps her on the shoulder]
[she puts the phone down and finally looks up at the librarian]
LIBRARIAN REENACTOR 1: Would you please come with me?
PATRON REENACTOR 2: I don't wanna leave my stuff!
LIBRARIAN REENACTOR 1: Oh, where you're going, you don't need stuff.
[cut to an "ST Viewscan" microfilm scanner, as the reel is spinning by itself ... then the camera pans down to show the patron dead on the floor (her body wrapped in microfilm)]
[cut to a bathroom stall in the men's room, as Rupert emerges (wiping his hands on his jacket)]
RUPERT: Truly shocking ... After hearing those tales of torture, we were determined to get some footage of the dastardly deeds. What follows will curdle your blood, and will turn your kidneys ...
[he whips off his glasses again]
RUPERT: Inside out!
[cut to the library's front desk, where another young female librarian (brown hair, glasses, black sweater, black pants) greets a female patron carrying a stack of books, as "Hidden Camera" appears on screen]
FEMALE PATRON: May I check these out, please?
LIBRARIAN 1: Sure, could I see some ID?
[she takes her purse and places it on the counter]
FEMALE PATRON: Let's see here ... Just a second.
LIBRARIAN 1: Oh, take your time.
[she begins rifling through the purse's contents (taking out pens, a glass jar, and keys), as the librarian gives her an annoyed look]
FEMALE PATRON: Um, y'know what? I'm having trouble finding it ...
[she turns the purse over and shakes the rest of its contents out onto the counter]
FEMALE PATRON: Let's see ... Y'know what? I'm having trouble finding it, can I just give you my nine-hundred number?
LIBRARIAN 1: Are you just having trouble seeing in here?
LIBRARIAN 1: Here, let ... let me help you.
[the librarian reaches over (as if she's going to pick through the mess to try and look for the ID card), but then grabs her barcode scanner and "shoots" it right in the patron's eyes]
FEMALE PATRON: Ahh, my eyes!
[the patron grabs at her face and staggers backwards, while the librarian smiles and grabs something out of the mess]
LIBRARIAN 1: Oh look, I found it ...
[she tosses the card off camera]
LIBRARIAN 1: Too bad you can't read any of these anymore.
[cut to another shot of the librarian at at the front desk, as a young man ("Undercover Reporter") walks up to her]
UNDERCOVER REPORTER: Hi, uh, do you guys have a bathroom in here?
LIBRARIAN 1: Shockingly enough, we have two sets of bathrooms! Just down the hall and to your right, you'll see it.
[he points down the hall]
[she waves her hand in that direction]
LIBRARIAN 1: Yeah, go.
[he walks off, as the librarian picks up her phone]
LIBRARIAN 1: [into phone] Rub a dub dub, one man ... in the tub.
[the camera follows the reporter down the hall as he turns the corner, when another female librarian (brown hair, purple shirt, black pants) tackles him from behind]
UNDERCOVER REPORTER: [from off camera] Ahh!
[the cameraman tries to run after his fallen comrade, but trips and drops the camera]
CAMERAMAN: [from off camera] Aw sh[beep]!
[he picks up the camera and runs around the corner, eventually making his way to the restroom, where he slowly opens the door]
UNDERCOVER REPORTER: [from off camera] I think your bathroom's across the hall!
LIBRARIAN 2: [from off camera] What, so you can't find the bathroom?
[the cameraman enters, and sees the feet of the reporter and the librarian behind the closed stall door]
[the sound of a flushing toilet can be heard, as the camera zooms in on the reporter's feet kicking out from underneath the door]
LIBRARIAN 2: There, you think you can find it the next time? You gonna remember to flush?
[the sound of a flushing toilet can be heard again, as the reporter resumes kicking his feet]
MALE PATRON: Ah! Glub blub glub!
[the reporter coughs and gasps for air, suffering the after-effects of his librarian-delivered swirlie]
LIBRARIAN 2: What the [beep] was that?!
[fearing his presence has been discovered, the cameraman runs out of the bathroom in a hurry, as the scene fades to black]
[cut back to the librarian at the front desk, typing at her computer while a male patron sits across from her reading a book, as "Hidden Camera 2" appears on screen]
MALE PATRON: Oh man, this higher education is tough! I dunno, I need something here ... Google Scholar. I'm gonna get Google Scholar, I use Google all the time!
[he laughs to himself]
MALE PATRON: Let's see here ...
[he takes a yellow highlighter pen and pulls the book towards him]
MALE PATRON: Now, read this here big book!
[he starts reading out loud]
MALE PATRON: "Although the original illustration portray ... portrays ... "
[he laughs and starts marking up the book, as the librarian stares at him in disbelief]
MALE PATRON: Heck, can't even read this! What is this, a dictionary?
[the librarian puts a finger to her lips and shushes him]
MALE PATRON: I'll slap fire out you! Don't shush me, I'm tryin' to get some learnin' over here!
[the librarian shakes her head, as the patron continues using his highlighter]
MALE PATRON: Tryin' to highlight the, uh ... specificity of the femininity--
[he stops]
MALE PATRON: Gah! Brain hurts!
[the librarian continues to stare at him in disbelief, as he casually writes something down in his notebook]
MALE PATRON: Make a note'a that ...
[she picks up her phone and loudly presses the buttons (while the patron remains unperturbed]
MALE PATRON: Yes sir, yessir!
[cut to an older female librarian (short brown hair, purple dress) sitting in her office, as "Hidden Camera 3" appears on screen, when the phone rings]
LIBRARIAN 3: [into phone] What?! Give me a [beep]ing break! I'll take care of it!
[she loudly hangs up the phone, then yells for someone off camera]
LIBRARIAN 3: Bruiser! Get in here!
[another librarian (the one who attacked the undercover reporter) enters]
LIBRARIAN 3: I need you to take care of something for me ...
[the younger librarian nods and pulls out a letter opener]
LIBRARIAN 2: I got it.
[the scene fades to black, then cut to a blue recycling bin where a man's legs (presumably the male patron with the highlighter) are sticking out]
[cut to Rupert sitting in a woman's office, as "Interview with the Dean" appears on screen]
RUPERT: Madame Dean, surely you're aware of the unusually large death rate in your library?
DEAN: I am certain, Mister Witherbottom, I have no idea what you're talking about.
RUPERT: Come now, treat me not like a fool! You must know of the organization which truly runs this library!
DEAN: Mister Witherbottom, I and I alone am in charge of what happens within these walls ...
[he laughs]
RUPERT: Oh really?
[he bends down and picks up a laptop, then places it on the table in front of her]
RUPERT: Well then, Madame Dean, how do you explain ... this?
[he presses a button, as the sounds of the undercover reporter being swirlied in the mens' room can be heard]
RUPERT: As you can see, this unfortunate soul is being drowned in the loo!
DEAN: That is dreadful ... I had always heard the library at UK was full of ruffians!
[he laughs again]
RUPERT: Mmm, Miss Dean! As a man of science, I must take umbrage with your willful ignorance!
[he slaps his hand down on the table]
RUPERT: Don't pretend you don't recognize one of your own employees performing this dastardly deed! Or, that they are a member of ...
[he whips off his glasses again, and stares at her]
RUPERT: The Librarian Sisterhood?
DEAN: [pause] I have no further comment on the matter, Mister Witherbottom. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
[she points to the door, as he makes a "frustrated" noise and sticks his pipe in his mouth, then the scene fades to black]
[cut to Rupert standing outside of the library, as he speaks directly to the camera]
RUPERT: Despite the denials of the duplicitous dean, we knew we had the goods on these ...
[he whips off his glasses again]
RUPERT: Ladies!
[cut to Rupert crouching down next to a shrub outside of the library]
RUPERT: One simply could not argue with the footage obtained, displaying these atrocious ...
[he whips off his glasses again]
RUPERT: Atrocities!
[cut to a "mugshot" of one of the librarian from the front desk]
RUPERT: [in voice over] On the strength of this evidence, the messenger ...
[cut to another mugshot of the older librarian]
RUPERT: [in voice over] Along with the head cheese were sent to federal prison, although both vowed that no prison could hold them.
[cut back to Rupert lying down in the grass]
RUPERT: As for Bruiser, she managed to escape the net authorities threw up ...
[he whips off his glasses again]
RUPERT: To catch her.
[cut to several photographs of the librarian (wearing a white hoodie) standing in a gas station]
RUPERT: [in voice over] These photos, believe to be of this at-large fugitive, were taken near a border crossing in southwest Tejas!
[cut back to Rupert standing outside of the library (in front of a "No Smoking Within 25 Feet of Any EKU Entrance" sign) while holding his pipe]
RUPERT: If you have any information as to her whereabouts, please contact the local authorities ...
[he whips off his glasses again, as the scene fades to black]

Cast of Characters

Amy Salyer
Sarah Cooper
Clay Howard
Victoria Koger
Kyle McQueen
Ashley Wray
Sarah Richardson
Daniel Weddington
Linda Sizemore
Becky Osborne
Trenia Napier

With Jens Arneson
as Rupert Van Witherbottom

And Betina Gardner
as "Madame Dean"

Richard Garland

Emily Bayma

Todd King

["After completing this documentary we received the following footage in the mail. There was no return address ... " appears on screen, then cut to Rupert in the stacks area of the library]
RUPERT: We're here in the stacks, following an anonymous tip promising insider information ... and free moon pies!
[he walks down the hall, then points to a sign taped to one of the retractable bookcases, reading "Free Moon Pye(backwards "s"), Yum!"]
RUPERT: Ah, the free moon pies I was promised!
[he walks behind the bookcase, then a hand reaches in from off camera, slowly making its way toward the automatic button]
RUPERT: [from off camera] Where are the moon pies?
[the hand presses the button, closing the bookcase in on Rupert]
RUPERT: [from off camera] Ah! Egad! Treachery! Oh, the humanity! For science!
[the bookcase "crushes" him, as "The End" appears on screen]



Corpses are piling up at the Eastern Kentucky University Libraries as Documentarianationalist Rupert Van Witherbottom compiles evidence of a secret and sinister Librarian Sisterhood whose punishment of patron transgressions is a "macrame of the macabre." This video expose (15:24) will curdle your blood and "turn your kidneys inside out." Conceived by Library Associate Richard Garland for the EKU Libraries Fall 2011 all-staff meeting, and starring Jens Arneson (above), Sarah Cooper, Clay Howard, and other EKU staffers.

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