Using her mad librarian skillz (and a Jedi mind trick), a kickass small-town librarian defends all that is just, well-organized, and true. Starring The Escapists. Shot & edited by Robert Fiske. Written by Jason Wilkins, directed by RJ McComish. periodicmoodswings.com
Tags: kickass librarian comedy The Escapists Jason Wilkins periodicmoodswings.com
Added: 1 year ago
[scene opens with a young female librarian (wearing glasses and with her hair in a bun) typing on the computer, as a male patron approaches but then immediately turns back around when the phone on her desk starts ringing]
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: [into the phone] Front desk, how may I help you? Yes, the library is open Monday through Friday, from ten to five ... You're welcome.
[she hangs up, as the patron again tries to approach, but has to circle back again when the phone rings a second time]
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: [into the phone] Front desk, how may I help you? Yes ... The capitol of Nevada is Carson City. You're welcome.
[she hangs up, as the patron is finally able to approach her]
BRIAN: Excuse me, ma'am?
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: "Miss" ...
BRIAN: [pause] Sorry?
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: It is most proper, according to Emily Post, for a young man to address a young woman as "Miss," not "ma'am," as the latter form of address has an unflattering whiff of spinsterhood about it.
BRIAN: Oh ...
[he absent-mindedly begins to wander off again]
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: May I help you with something?
[he stops and turns back around]
BRIAN: Oh! Um, I was wondering ... would you mind turning off the internet filter on computer station number three?
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: Alrighty.
[she turns to her computer, as the patron begins wandering back to his desk]
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: Done!
[he quickly turns back to her]
BRIAN: I'm not looking at porn or anything!
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: [quietly] Alrighty ...
[he sits back down, as the phone rings again]
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: [into the phone] Front desk, may I help you? Yes? Yes ... Quantum mechanics are compatible with classical mechanics in physical situations, where classical mechanics agree with experiment.
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: [into the phone] Mm hmm ... You're welcome.
[she hangs up, then another male patron approaches and places a book on her desk]
CHASTENED PATRON: Uh yeah, I need to return this. I think it's a little late.
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: Alrighty ...
[she scans it and checks the computer]
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: Oh, as a matter of fact, it is very late. Six weeks late.
CHASTENED PATRON: Mmm, sorry. I've been travelling. Wadda I owe?
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: Well, that's a very good question. As it turns out, there's a waiting list for this book. There are fourteen names on it, one might say you owe each of those fourteen people an apology.
[the patron tries to laugh it off]
CHASTENED PATRON: Well, I--
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: On the other hand, maybe they all owe you a word of thanks. After all, you've thus far saved them from the brain-rotting literary ebola that is "The Da Vinci Code" ...
CHASTENED PATRON: Really? I heard it was good ... I never got around to reading it myself. I just sort of, uh--
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: Oh.
[she starts to get annoyed]
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: So, apparently, you see the public library - our temple of shared learning, the repository of thousands of years of intellectual inquiry - as a source ... of paperweights.
CHASTENED PATRON: Look, can I please just pay my fine and--
[she starts to raise her voice]
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: Is this a coffee stain? Have you no sense of decency?
CHASTENED PATRON: Lighten up, it's only a book!
[she slaps her hands on the desk and stands up]
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: Only a book?!
[she climbs up on the desk and points right in his face]
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: Get outta here before I kick your ass!
CHASTENED PATRON: What?!
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: Blasphemer! Even this mass market piece of crap has more of a spine than you do!
[she picks up the book and waves it in his face, as the patron (dropping the money he had in his hand) runs off camera]
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: The next time you need an airplane book, go to Borders like the rest of the sheep!
[she climbs back down, as the first male patron walks up and helps her pick up the money]
BRIAN: Wow, you sure do take your job ... seriously.
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: Yes. Well, we librarians are a dedicated lot. Ours is a high calling!
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: Yes! If knowledge is power, then I am in charge of an arsenal ...
BRIAN: Wow, I never really thought of it that way.
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: Yeah ... You see? You just learned something! Doesn't that feel good? Oh, everytime you learn something new, the entire structure of your brain changes. Little sparks fly across the gaps between cells, and your skull is alight with electric fire!
[the librarian becomes more animated, as the patron listens intently to her words]
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: Your brain expands, growing more sensitive, more powerful, more sexy!
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: Yes! All sensation registers in the brain ...
[she places her hand on the side of his head]
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: So, sex really is in the head, and the bigger the brain--
[she suddenly pulls her hand away, as the patron clears his throat]
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: I'm sorry. I got carried away there for a minute!
[she walks back behind the desk, as the patron pulls on his collar]
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: Um, may I help you?
BRIAN: What? Oh ... Um, no. T-thanks.
[flustered, he turns to walk back to his desk, then immediately turns back to the librarian]
BRIAN: I'm not looking at porn or anything!
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: Alrighty ... Why not?
[the patron gets a confused look on his face, then the phone rings again]
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: Excuse me.
[the turns and goes back to his desk, as the librarian picks up the phone]
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: [into the phone] Front desk, may I help you? Yes ... Yes, actually the lyrics to "Louie Louie" are not at all obscene. Although, if you listen carefully to the first recording, you can hear the drummer click his sticks together and shout the word "fuck."
[cut to a wide angle shot of the librarian]
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: [into the phone] Yes, really ... You're welcome, Timmy.
[she hangs up, then a man in a suit approaches]
RINGWORM: Are you the head librarian?
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: Yes, how may I help you?
[he takes a badge out of his pocket and shows it to her]
RINGWORM: I'm Special Agent Ringworm, Federal Bureau of Investigation. I'm here to inspect some of your records.
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: Government documents are in the basement--
[he holds up his hand]
RINGWORM: That's not what I mean, ma'am.
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: "Miss" ...
RINGWORM: I have to call you "ma'am", ma'am ... Regulation. Now, as I was saying, I--
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: One moment, please.
[she types on her computer]
RINGWORM: As I was saying ...
[she continues typing]
RINGWORM: As I--
[she holds up a finger, then continues typing, before finally turning back to him]
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: As you were saying, Special Agent Ringworm?
RINGWORM: As I was saying, ma'am, I'm here to check out some of your circulation records.
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: Oh, why? Do you think you might have an overdue book?
RINGWORM: Ma'am, we at the FBI need to know if any of your patrons are checking out any materials of a suspicious nature ... Books on chemistry, Arabic language manuals, Michael Moore DVDs. Stuff like that.
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: I see, and I assume you claim the authority to violate the privacy of my patrons under the provisions of the Patriot Act?
[she emphasizes each "P" sound, as the agent wipes the spittle from his beard]
RINGWORM: Yes ma'am, that's correct.
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: I see. Well ...
[she types on the computer again]
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: Oh, I'm afraid I can't help you, Special Agent Ringworm. I seem to have deleted all of the circulation records from our system.
RINGWORM: You what?!
[he gets angry, but the librarian just smiles and shrugs her shoulders]
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: Silly me! I'm just a girl, y'know, I can't get the hang of this darn computer!
RINGWORM: I could have you arrested, ma'am!
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: For what? Refusing to give you something I just don't have?
RINGWORM: How about this? Why don't you tell me if anyone in the library has asked you to turn off their internet filter?
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: And why do you want to know a thing like that?
RINGWORM: This is a matter of national security, ma'am, and I don't have time to answer questions from some uppity small-town librarian! So if you'll just tell me what I need to know, I won't have to read you your rights!
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: I know my rights, Special Agent Ringworm, better than you do I daresay! Incidentally, have you ever heard of the Song of the Cobra?
RINGWORM: What's that, a metal band?
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: No, it is a technique perfected by a sect of Buddhist monks in the hightest reaches of the Himalayas. They have found that if they achieved wisdom, mastered the ways of the orderly mind, and spoke in a gentle melodic manner reminiscent of the mountain bamboo flute, they could easily overpower the weak-minded.
RINGWORM: The weak-minded?
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: Yes. Everyone who tried to drive them from their home was found at the bottom of the mountain eventually, in a pool of drool, babbling like an idiot.
[he looks off into the distance, as if in a trance]
RINGWORM: Babbling like an idiot?
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: Yes. Don't you find that fascinating ...
[she reaches out, then suddenly grabs his tie and pulls him in close]
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: You crypto-fascist right-wing stormtrooper?!
RINGWORM: Me crypto-fascist right-wing stormtrooper?
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: Yes, very good. Now, why don't you go on up to the children's reading room on the second floor? They have free copies of the Bill of Rights there, for you to read!
[he turns in a stupor]
RINGWORM: Bill of Rights ...
[she gives him a light shove off camera]
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: Go on!
RINGWORM: [from off camera] For me to read!
[she waves at him]
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: Bye!
RINGWORM: [from off camera] Bill of Rights ...
[she sighs and goes back to typing, as the first male patron approaches her]
BRIAN: Wow! That was really cool what you just did ... Thanks for covering for me.
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: It was nothing, I would've done the same for any patron. That's the fourth FBI agent we've had this year.
BRIAN: Really? Cool.
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: Yeah ... Uh, can I help you find something?
BRIAN: Actually, I'm looking for a date.
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: Oh, a date in American history, or European--
BRIAN: No no, not that kind of date.
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: Oh ...
[she suddenly gets embarrassed, as they both giggle]
BRIAN: Yeah, that's why I had you turn off the internet filter ... so I could go on the matchmaker sites and search the Portland area for single women.
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: Oh, well ... how's it going? That is, what search criteria are you using?
BRIAN: So far, I've searched by age, zip code, level of education, smoker-nonsmoker. Uh, last good book read.
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: Wow, that's a very thorough search ... but no luck?
BRIAN: Will you go out with me?
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: Before I answer that, I must tell you something that might cause you to think I'm strange.
BRIAN: Really? What?
[she walks around the desk and looks him in the face]
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: I have tattoos.
BRIAN: You do? Where?
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: My entire body is an illuminated manuscript. It has taken me years of pain and patience to achieve it.
[she places her hand on her chest]
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: On this breast, I have a small drawing of a nightingale in a tree and a passage from Keats.
[the patron gets very fidgety]
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: On this breast, stars whirl in the night sky. And on my abdomen--
BRIAN: I can only imagine.
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: And on my back is a detailed map of the Library of Congress.
BRIAN: The Library of Congress?
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: Yes, it's magnificent! Have you ever seen it?
BRIAN: No, but I hope to get the chance to someday ...
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: So you don't think I'm ... too strange?
BRIAN: I think ... you're magnificent.
[they lean in to kiss, but the phone rings again]
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: The library closes at five, be here at four fifty nine! Make sure you bring all materials for checkout to the front desk by four fifty!
BRIAN: Yes ma'am ... Oh, miss!
[he smiles and walks off camera, as the librarian answers the phone]
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: [into the phone] Front desk, may I help you? Yes, actually that's Byron. And the verse goes, "She walks in beauty like the night. Of cloudless climes and starry skies."
[she pauses, then looks down her blouse]
KICKASS LIBRARIAN: [into the phone] Yes, I'm sure ... You're welcome.
[she hangs up the phone, as the scene fades to black]
featuring The Escapists
Videography & Editing by
Robert R. Fiske
Kickass Librarian ... Tara McDonough
Brian the Patron ... Keith Anctil
Special Agent Ringworm ... Chris Fitze
Chastened Patron ... Eric Worthley
Special thanks to
Portland Public Library
www dot theescapists dot com