Managarian Part I: Introduction
Welcome to the future.
Tags: library manager
Added: 5 years ago
Bookie Productions presents
A film by Bialkowski, Conley, Keefe and Smith
Library Training Film
(c) 1992 Bookie Productions
Part I: Introduction ("Welcome to the future")
[scene opens with a young female librarian (green blazer, large hoop earrings, exaggerated blush) speaking directly to the camera]
NARRATOR: Congratulations, you've just been promoted within your information institution. You may think you have it easy, but the number of confusing and potentially dangerous situations you may find yourself in will shock and appal you.
[cut to another shot of the narrating librarian, as she turns and speaks directly to the camera]
NARRATOR: Working in any type of library is much more than knowing databases and LC subject headings ... As a librarian, you are also a manager. You will have to make policy-shaping decisions, both after careful thought and on-the-fly. No matter how low on the totem pole you are, you can still boss those puny pages around and tell them what to do! Welcome to your career as a "managarian!" This video will walk you through the finer aspects of library management. After this short training session, you will be a certified professional, so hold on and be ready for full library manager immersion!
[cut to another shot of the narrating librarian, as she turns and speaks directly to the camera]
NARRATOR: To start things off, we're going to revisit how you got started ... the interview process! Now that you're a managarian, you get to see and experience the interview process from the other side! Now, it's not like in the olden days. Some people might be uppity if you ask the wrong questions. So, let's watch Mister Jones get himself into trouble.
Part II: The interview ("Bookie Productions shows how not to conduct an interview. Mr. Jones from the Red Bank Public Library runs the asshole gamut on this one")
[scene opens with a male librarian sitting in his office, when he turns on the intercom and speaks with his secretary]
MR. JONES: Gracie, send in the next sucker.
GRACIE: [over the intercom] Mister Jones, he heard that.
MR. JONES: Uh-huh ... You're not hired. Send in the next person.
[a young woman enters and shakes his hand]
MR. JONES: Hi ... Alright, so sit down and talk to Uncle Jonesy, Miss--
VIRGINIA: It's "Ms." Primm, Virginia Primm.
MR. JONES: Uh, okay ... Well, uh, Miss Primm, why would you like to work--
VIRGINIA: "Ms." ...
MR. JONES: Whatever. Why do you think that you would like to work at the Red Bank Public Library?
VIRGINIA: Well, besides being the only qualified MLS candidate within a hundred miles ...
MR. JONES: Mm hmm.
VIRGINIA: I also have a lot of professional experience. Um, I think this is a fine institution. It is the biggest building on the block, and I have very strong aspirations of one day owning a very expensive pen.
MR. JONES: Mm-hmm. Uh, are you Jewish?
VIRGINIA: Um, I'm not really sure what that has to do with the interview process ...
MR. JONES: Oh, it's simple. It's just that, y'know, Jewish people ... they y'know, they have a lotta holidays, let's be honest with each other. Y'know, and on these holidays, they say that they can't work so they request the time off. Personally, this is just my conviction, is that it's not really fair to the rest of our workers if ... y'know, if you were to get off Rosh Hashanah but everyone else has to come in and pick up your slack.
VIRGINIA: I see ... If you must know, I'm between religions right now.
MR. JONES: Yeah, I have no idea what that means ... but, what would you say are three toughest work situations that you've encountered, and any of them stemming from the fact that you're Irish?
VIRGINIA: [pause] Actually, I'm Latvian.
MR. JONES: Really? Do you know Bixie Zillplatas, that guy totally stiffed me on an eBay auction ...
VIRGINIA: I'm not actually from Latvia ... My grandparents are La--
[she shakes her head]
VIRGINIA: What're you getting at, again?
MR. JONES: I'm sorry, just answer the question ... Toughest work situations.
VIRGINIA: Well, um, one situation that I did overcome that I learned a lot about professionalism from, was I had a situation where I was dating one of my co-workers and ... things went sour and I kinda wound up getting shanked in the HQ20s.
MR. JONES: Oh.
VIRGINIA: So, I've learned a lot about interoffice etiquette.
MR. JONES: You'd be surprised how often that happens ... That reminds me, do you see any smelly little bundles of joy in your future?
VIRGINIA: I'm not so sure ... that's something you can even ask me.
MR. JONES: Oh, it's a standard question ... Oh, I'm sorry, is it your boyfriend's swimmers?
VIRGINIA: [pause] I think this interview is over.
[she gets up to leave]
MR. JONES: No no, it's just that if you're planning on getting knocked up in the future, I think that--
VIRGINIA: "Knocked up"?
MR. JONES: Yeah? Y'know--
VIRGINIA: Thank you for your time, Mister Jones ...
[she turns and leaves]
MR. JONES: Somebody's bitter 'cause they're barren ...
Part III: Customer service ("Dealing with those jerks we call patrons")
[scene opens with the narrating librarian speaking directly to the camera]
NARRATOR: We learned a lot there, didn't we? Now it's time to look at customer service! Even though patrons can still be annoying, we need to put up with them. Here's a sample reference interview ... Try and see where you would act differently!
[cut to a young female librarian sitting at the front desk (with a sign reading MOBil Librarian") as she types at the computer while listening to "Cold" by Dead Hearts on her headphones, when a young male patron walks up and repeatedly tries to get her attention]
MOBIL LIBRARIAN: Yes, can I help you?
PATRON: [meekly] I, I need help finding something. I'm looking for the Summa Theologica by St. Thomas Aquinas.
MOBIL LIBRARIAN: Oh, oh sure. Just go to the catalog, and ... look it up, and you'll find it in the stacks.
[she puts her headphones back on, but the patron again interrupts her]
PATRON: Yeah, yeah, I already ... I already tried. I, I need help.
MOBIL LIBRARIAN: Did you try hard?
PATRON: Yeah, I tried really hard, actually. And I just ... I need help, from the librarian.
MOBIL LIBRARIAN: Okay, um ... Y'know, why don't you do that yourself, because it will be faster.
PATRON: Well, because you're a librarian, and ... that's what librarians are paid to do. They're paid to help patrons.
MOBIL LIBRARIAN: Um, I'm not a clerk, I'm actually ... Y'know, I have an advanced degree, I do more than search the stacks for your book.
PATRON: Okay, but ... but you're a librarian. You're supposed to, y'know, help me out. I'm looking for something--
MOBIL LIBRARIAN: Look, listen listen listen. I think it would just be easier for you to do it yourself. You go over there and you run as many queries as you would like.
PATRON: But you're a librarian! You're supposed to help me! I, I'm a taxpayer here. I need help from the public librarian.
MOBIL LIBRARIAN: Well, la dee dah, Mister! I need a new boat!
PATRON: What's that got to do with anything? I need to find a book, I need your help!
MOBIL LIBRARIAN: Listen, I am a librarian. I have a master's degree ...
[she points to her read sweater]
MOBIL LIBRARIAN: This is a sweater.
PATRON: A master's degree of what? Sitting there and playing on the computer all day? I need help! You're a librarian, I pay taxes, and I want help from the public librarian!
MOBIL LIBRARIAN: Listen, I have lots of very scholarly and librarian-ly things to do--
PATRON: Like what? You're just sitting there, you're sitting at the computer! What do you do? What's the job of a librarian, to play on the computer all day and listen to music?
MOBIL LIBRARIAN: It's very complicated, I ... Y'know, I have a master's degree. I bet you don't even know what an OPAC is.
PATRON: An online public access computer, of course I know what that is!
MOBIL LIBRARIAN: Well--
PATRON: I mean, you're a librarian! You should be helping me!
MOBIL LIBRARIAN: Hey, do I come to your job and unwrap your hamburgers?
[the patron sighs in frustration]
PATRON: I'm insulted by that! How do you know I don't have a master's degree?
MOBIL LIBRARIAN: Well, if you can't use the catalog yourself ...
PATRON: Well, I ... I tried. I couldn't.
MOBIL LIBRARIAN: Well mister, this game of Solitaire isn't going to play itself ... Thank you!
[she puts her headphones back on, and the patron simply shakes his head and walks away]
Part IV: The library of the Future ("Mark works in a library where he doesn't understand the clientele anymore")
[scene opens with a "robot" (i.e. a man wearing a garbage can and a cardboard box painted silver on his head) approaching a male librarian]
ROBOT 1: Hello, I require access to your internets.
MARK: [pause] All of our computers have access to the internet.
ROBOT 1: "Internet?" You only have one? I require all seven internets ...
[the robot turns and walks away, before turning back and shaking his fist at the librarian]
ROBOT 1: Nubcake.
[cut to another robot approaching the librarian, holding a keyboard]
ROBOT 2: Human librarian!
MARK: Hello, Mister Robot! How are you today? You're having a problem with your keyboard?
ROBOT 2: Repair it, post haste!
MARK: Right, but um ... Yeah, I can see why it's malfunctioning. Um, it's not plugged into anything, buddy. I, I don't--
ROBOT 2: That is an IP-1-3-3-7 port, new kid!
MARK: Okay, um ... maybe you can tell me more about that.
ROBOT 2: Maybe I will free you from your fleshy prison!
[cut to another robot approaching the librarian]
ROBOT 3: 1 0 1 0 0 1 1 0 1 0 0 1 1 0 1 0 1 1 0 ...
[cut to the librarian staring blankly at the robot (he obviously doesn't speak binary), as the robot continues his "question"]
ROBOT 3: 1 1 0 0 1 0 1 1 0 0 ...
["Mark needs help! So he beams up for some new technologies" appears on screen, then cut to the librarian speaking with the first robot]
MARK: Well, we don't have Internet One because that's Facebook and MySpace. And we don't have Internet Two because that's the Penthouse one. But we do have Internets Three through Seven.
[cut to the librarian speaking with the second librarian]
MARK: Oh, I see! This is the newer model computer that we just go upstairs. Um, if you take it up there, you can have this serviced.
[he hands the keyboard back to the robot]
MARK: Here you go. Have a good day there, Mister Robot, sir!
[cut to the librarian speaking with the third librarian]
MARK: 0 0 1 1 1 1 0 0 0 1 1 1 1 1 0 0 ...
[the robot nods in approval, then the librarian turns to the camera and gives a thumbs up]
Part V: Where do patrons come from? ("A revolutionary new way to increase usage of your library")
[scene opens with the narrating librarian cradling a bottle of whiskey]
NARRATOR: It's okay, baby ...
[she realizes she's on camera and tries to hide the bottle while putting on a fake smile]
NARRATOR: Promoting your library can be a managarian's greatest challenge ... Develop a plan and ask yourself "What does my library have to offer? How can I attact the public to become patrons? And, where do patrons come from?"
[cut to a male librarian running into a conference room as the theme from "Rocky" plays]
DAN: Yeah! Alright everyone, are we excited?
[the unseen audience cheers]
DAN: Are we excited about patrons? Yes! Alright, I have been brought here today to talk to you about my exciting new plan, because y'see ... People always come to me and they say, "Dan, how do we get people to come to our library?"
[a voice from off camera yells "Dan, how do we get people to come to our library?"]
DAN: Like that, exactly! Every day I get that, and you know what? I have thought about that long and hard, and I've got a revolutionary new way, and you know what? I'm gonna tell it to you now! In fact, it's already in place, there are people outside at this moment working my plan!
[cut to outside the Oscar A. Silverman Undergraduate Library, as a young woman is walking around wearing a sandwich board reading "Free Porno-graphy! At Your Library!"]
[cut to another woman walking out of an elevator (as the "Rocky" theme swells) wearing the same sandwich board ... She turns to reveal that the back reads "Books Books Books! All New Collection! Come In & See Our Stacks!"]
["Porn: The Patron Panacea" appears on screen, then cut back to Dan in the conference room]
DAN: Alright everybody ... See, because here's the thing. The reason some libraries have problems getting patrons to come, is they don't understand the patron cycle! Because, you see, in order to get them into the library, we have to know how a patron is born. So, you know what? I've got a diagram here that explains where patrons come from!
[he takes a chart ("Where Do Patrons Come From? Patron Circle of Life") and places it on the wall behind him]
DAN: Y'see, when a mommy patron and a daddy patron love eaach other, that creates a tiny little baby patron! So that patron, that little patron-to-be, grows up from a tiny little one into a great big patron ready to come to our library! Now that patron has hit adolescence, that's where the pornography comes in ...
[the camera focuses on the part of the chart which shows drawings of magazines and bottles with "XXX" on them]
DAN: Some people ask me, "How do you get the baby patrons to stay out of the adult patron material, huh?" And for that, very simple thing!
[he walks over to the chalkboard]
DAN: You get the chalk, you make yourself another simple sign ...
[he draws a square]
DAN: Very easy! You can keep that one, you can take that home with you. This one, you get to make yourself! Ready?
[he writes "You Must Be This Tall to Enter the Porn Room" inside the square]
DAN: "You must be this tall to enter the porn room!"
[he draws a line in the middle of the square]
DAN: Right there, ladies and gentlemen! This is the kiddie side, this is the porn side!
[he writes "Kid" below the line and draws a heart above the line, then someone off camera yells "If they still wanna go in the adult section, can we use tasers?"]
DAN: Yes! Yes!
[the person off camera yells "Cool!"]
DAN: Okay, so back to my master plan here ...
[he walks back towards his chart and points to the drawing of two stick figures in bed together]
DAN: You get the porn, you get the booze for the ladies in there! And then the daddy patron, who used to be the baby patron, finds the mommy patron! She doesn't even need to be a patron, she just needs to be a mommy! Patrons can be at any day of the week ... And then, guess what?
[he points back to the beginning of the chart (a drawing of a human fetus)]
DAN: They make another baby patron! And this cycle, it goes on and it goes on and it goes on! And guess what? You keep getting more patrons and more patrons until one day, what do you have?
[he takes the chart and turns it around, showing a large number of stick figures standing in front of a building marked "Library"]
DAN: The army of patrons waiting to do your bidding! Let's see those people try to cancel our budgets, huh? Let's have them say, "Alright fine, but we're gonna use that blue budget there," and guess what happens? You've got a mob of people standing outside City Hall saying "Give us our porn!"
[he throws down the chart]
DAN: Alright, are you ready? Let's put this into action!
[he jumps off the stage and high-fives the audience members]
Part VI: Problem Patrons ("Dealing with the crazies")
[scene opens with the narrating librarian turning and speaking directly to the camera]
NARRATOR: In our final segment, we deal with the scariest aspect of a librarian's job ... the problem patrons.
[cut to a male librarian walking down the hall, when he sees a homeless lady picking through the garbage]
MALE LIBRARIAN: Hi, is there something I can help you with?
HOMELESS LADY: Oh, yes absolutely! Did you know that a woman can possess the body of another woman, have relations with that woman's husband, and conceive a child?
MALE LIBRARIAN: Um ...
HOMELESS LADY: Would you like that child? I would not like that child.
MALE LIBRARIAN: Well ... Is there anything in the library that you're looking for?
HOMELESS LADY: Absolutely! Um ... If I had a tiara of seven diamonds, and a sword, I would not want the police to take them from me.
MALE LIBRARIAN: Okay. Um ... I'm afraid I'm not understanding your question on, on how the library can help you.
HOMELESS LADY: Okay, David ... If my grandmother knew what people were paying for chickenwings, she would roll over in her grave.
MALE LIBRARIAN: [pause] Okay. I think you need to see the circulation desk about that.
HOMELESS LADY: Do you like chocolate chip pancakes?
MALE LIBRARIAN: No, I hate chocolate. And I'm afraid you're gonna have to see the circulation desk.
[the screen freezes]
NARRATOR: [in voice over] You do not wanna mess with these people ...
[cut to the narrating librarian speaking directly to the camera]
NARRATOR: Seriously, you will be putting yourself in danger. If you must deal with the problem patron, there are a few ways to protect yourself.
[cut to a homeless man lying in the hallway, as a female librarian approaches him]
FEMALE LIBRARIAN: Sir? Excuse me, sir? Hello?
HOMELESS MAN: Huh? What? Oh!
FEMALE LIBRARIAN: Hi, um ... I was just--
[he slowly gets up and starts smiling]
HOMELESS MAN: Hi! Hi! How are you doing?
[he reaches out and shakes her hand]
FEMALE LIBRARIAN: Oh, I'm--
HOMELESS MAN: How, how are you doing?
FEMALE LIBRARIAN: Hi, I'm great ... I just wanted to let you know that we have a policy here--
HOMELESS MAN: Yeah!
FEMALE LIBRARIAN: You're welcome to come to the library during our hours of operation--
HOMELESS MAN: Hey, hey! How have you been recently? Have you been good?
FEMALE LIBRARIAN: Uh, what we do here--
HOMELESS MAN: You're not retired yet? You're, you're not retired?
FEMALE LIBRARIAN: No, not yet ... Um, if you wanted to peruse our materials, you're welcome to do so. I'd be happy to help you look for something.
HOMELESS MAN: Uh huh. Yeah, no ...
FEMALE LIBRARIAN: But the library isn't a place to come to sleep--
HOMELESS MAN: Y'know, things just ... They got crazy ever since I retired! I thought that, y'know, things were going to go along good, but y'know. The mayor even said, he called me into his office the day I retired and said, "Hey, y'know what's going on? This is how it is, you're the only person in the city who knew how to do that stuff!"
FEMALE LIBRARIAN: Uh huh.
HOMELESS MAN: "So you were the only person" ... I had the key, no one else did!
FEMALE LIBRARIAN: Okay.
HOMELESS MAN: And so y'know, when something went wrong, they had to do that ... I had the key, but then when I retired, y'know? All sorts of stuff happened, and--
FEMALE LIBRARIAN: Well, the mayor has graciously kept our library open ...
HOMELESS MAN: Yes. Yes.
FEMALE LIBRARIAN: And if there was something you were looking for, I'd be happy to help you--
HOMELESS MAN: But y'know, the mayor even said ... as I was talking to him how the situation in this town, it is insane! Y'know, I just don't know how people do it! How are they getting the electricity, because I had that key! I would put the key in there, and y'know, all set to go! But now, who's gonna do that?
FEMALE LIBRARIAN: Sir, are saying you electrocuted yourself?
HOMELESS MAN: No, I didn't electrocute myself! I had the key for the town, with the housing ... The situation with that, and the mayor came and, yeah!
FEMALE LIBRARIAN: Well, sir ...
HOMELESS MAN: Yes?
FEMALE LIBRARIAN: I just wanted to let you know that, y'know, the mayor has kept this facility open, and if there was something in this library that you were interested in reading ...
HOMELESS MAN: Yeah?
FEMALE LIBRARIAN: We'd be happy to show you that. Is there something I can help you find?
HOMELESS MAN: No, I'm good right here, because the mayor even said that I can stay here as long as possible.
FEMALE LIBRARIAN: Well, we actually have a policy that you have to be using the library, not sleeping on the ground.
HOMELESS MAN: Why-why is that? No, no ... I was told.
[cut back to the narrating librarian speaking directly to the camera]
NARRATOR: Never go in alone! When you bring in a buddy, at least you outnumber the crazies!
[cut back to the homeless man, as the male librarian enters the scene to join his co-worker]
FEMALE LIBRARIAN: Well, our ... Um--
MALE LIBRARIAN: Excuse me, is there a problem?
FEMALE LIBRARIAN: Uh, I was trying to explain to this gentleman that we don't sleep on the ground in the library.
HOMELESS MAN: No, I ... I will not be leaving.
MALE LIBRARIAN: Why don't you just ... come with me?
HOMELESS MAN: Why?
FEMALE LIBRARIAN: [pause] He has candy.
MALE LIBRARIAN: Because, uh ... You kinda have to.
HOMELESS MAN: [pause] Okay.
[the homeless man and the male librarian walk off (as the female librarian heads off in the other direction), then cut to the female librarian as she sits at the front desk reading a newspaper]
NARRATOR: [in voice over] The best thing to do in a dangerous situation is to call security. It is never a bad idea to get security involved with problem patrons. After all, isn't it why you pay them?
[a male patron walks up to the librarian with his hand under his shirt (either holding a gun or pointing his finger)]
THIEF: Come on, gimmee all your money!
FEMALE LIBRARIAN: Uh ...
THIEF: Gimmee all your money! Come on, hurry up!
[the screen freezes]
NARRATOR: [in voice over] There are good ways and there are bad ways to handle this situation.
[the scene continues]
FEMALE LIBRARIAN: What, do you need to buy a burger?
THIEF: No! Put it all in the bag! All the money from the fines and everything! I want the whole thing! Gimmee all your cash! Come on!
[she tries to hold back a laugh]
FEMALE LIBRARIAN: All fifteen of it?
[cut back to the narrating librarian speaking directly to the camera]
NARRATOR: Have your zingers and one-liners ready when problem patrons approach the desk. Of course, you run the risk of having your co-workers pour a forty for you on the street corner. Hopefully, in situations like this, security will notice the trouble and come to your aid without having to be asked.
[cut back to the thief and the librarian, when one of the robots approaches the front desk wielding a baton]
ROBOT 2: Excuse me, is there a situation here?
[the screen fades to black, then cut back to the narrating librarian speaking directly to the camera]
NARRATOR: Congratulations, you have reached the end of this video. We hope that you take these tokens of wisdom into your career as a managarian. Again, thank you for watching. Goodbye.
[cut to the robot beating the thief with his baton]
Dan Conley as Shouty
Lauren Keefe (with Jose Cuervo)
And introducing Shannon Smith
Gray Hogan - Intro music/phone voiceover
www.newgrounds.com/ audio/view.php? id=15777
James Rose - Bookie logo
Dead Hearts - Customer service jams
Alice Down the YouTube: Ethical Training in the Online Wonderland
Have you watched a good video lately? Join us as we view YouTube videos that deal with everyday ethical issues in the library. Meet the creators of these entertaining and thought provoking productions and engage in a conversation that will shatter your preconceived notions regarding how you handle ethical issues in the library.
The panel will include:
* Dan Conley from the Center for International Rehabilitation Research Information and Exchange (CIRRIE) at the University at Buffalo. He will be discussing his Managarian videos which take a humorous look at how librarians deal with patrons.