Thursday, December 22, 2011

Case Study No. 0140: Staff of New York University Library

Funniest Friends Storylines - The Library
Ross has a book in the University Library
Tags: Funniest Friends Storylines Best Ever moments Joey Chandler Ross Rachel Phoebe Monica Hilarious Classic funny Library book university
Added: 8 months ago
From: aquapony
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Season 7, Episode 7 ("The One with Ross's Library Book")

Ross' doctoral dissertation can be found at the library but when he goes to see it he finds out that the Palaentology section of the library is only used when students make out together. Therefore Ross decides to defend the area.

Supporting Cast:
Michael D. Roberts - The head librarian
Doug Budin - The librarian



[Scene: N.Y.U's University Library, Ross is entering with Chandler.]

Chandler: ... Come on! Why are we here?!

Ross: Okay, okay take a guess.

(An old woman pushes a cart full of books past.)

Chandler: The hot chicks?

Ross: Okay, okay, I was typing names into the library computer earlier, y'know-y'know for fun, and I typed mine in and guess what came up? My doctoral dissertation! It's here! Yeah, it's right-it's right down here! In the biggest library in the university! (They start heading that way, towards a secluded section behind the racks.)

Chandler: Wow that's actually pretty cool.

Ross: (stopping quickly) Oh umm, there's also a book here by a woman named Wendy Bagina. (They both laugh, but stop when the hear moaning coming from the next aisle.) What is that?

Chandler: Sounds like two people are really enjoying the Dewey decimal system.

(They go around the last row of bookshelves and find a couple doing what college coeds do in secluded corners of university libraries. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, let's just say that clothing is undone. Ross gasps and the couple gets up and runs away.)

Female Student: (as they are moving past Ross) I'm so sorry!

Male Student: Sorry!

Chandler: You didn't bring me here to do that, did you?


[Scene: The Library, Ross enters and heads to the desk to talk to the male librarian on duty.]

Ross: Excuse me. Hi, I'm a professor here. Do you know the Paleontology section, fifth floor, stack 437?

The Librarian: Well, yes! Just give me five minutes, I just have to find someone to cover my shift.

Ross: No! No!! No! Can I speak to someone in charge please?! (The librarian brings his boss over.)

The Head Librarian: How can I help you?

Ross: Hi, I was wondering if it is possible to increase security in the Paleontology section? See I-I wrote a book up there and instead of reading it people are-are-are well, rolling around in front of it.

The Head Librarian: We are aware of the problem you are referring too. (He turns to look at the previous librarian.) But as far as increasing security, I'm afraid the library is very understaffed. I, I can't help you.

Ross: Well, fine. Fine! If-if I'm the only person with any appreciation of the sanctity of the written word, I'll go up there and defend it myself! (Starts to do so, but stops and to the previous librarian) And don't you follow me!


[Scene: The library's Paleontology section, Ross is patrolling as a couple walks up.]

Ross: Yes? Yes?! How can I help you?

Guy: Yeah, we were ... we were just looking around.

Ross: Oh-oh, you're-you're fellow scholars. What exactly were you looking for, hmm? Perhaps, (Grabs a book from the shelf behind him) perhaps Dr. Chester Stock's musings on the Smiledon Californicus?

Guy: Uhh ... .

Ross: Ah ... Ah ... Get out of here! (The couple retreats. Ross starts looking through the previously mentioned book as a beautiful woman walks into the section.) Uh, meeting someone? Or-or are you just here to brush up on Marion's views on evolution?

Woman: Uh, actually I find Marion's views far to progressionist.

Ross: I find Marion's views far to progressionist.

Woman: I'm sorry, who are you?

Ross: I'm a professor here uh, Ross ... Geller.

Woman: Ross Geller, why do I know that name? It's uh-Wait! (Grabs his book off of the shelf.) Did you write this?

Ross: Yes! You're the person who checked out my book?!

Woman: Y'know, you look nothing like I would've thought. You're ... you're so young.

Ross: Well I uh, I skipped forth grade.

[Time Lapse, Ross and the woman are now in a state of partial undress and are standing in front of the head librarian with two security guards watching them.]

Ross: I am very ... very sorry.


[Scene: The library's Paleontology section, Ross is on patrol and stops a security guard through the stack of books.]

Ross: (to the guard) Don't sweat it, I've got this section covered. Yeah, in fact I've got this little baby (Turns on a mini-flashlight) to shine in people's eye-(The guard walks away)-Okay, see you later.

(Ross resumes his patrol when his best friend and sister walk up and start to take off their coats, but they stop when they see him.)

Chandler: I just wanted to show Monica your book. (Ross just glares at him.)

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