It's a tough beat, handling the late returns and patrolling the aisles...
With John Keister, Nancy Guppy, Steve Wilson, Ed Wyatt, Bill Stainton, Tracey Conway, and Bob Nelson.
First aired October 30, 1993
Copyright King 5 - Almost Live!
Tags: seattle almost live keister conway nelson wyatt stainton guppy S10E06
Added: 3 years ago
In Stereo (if you've got a really good TV & VCR)
LIBRARIANS. Filmed on location with the men and women of the Seattle Public Library System.
Seattle Public Library
[scene opens with librarians Cliff Wharton and Elaine Jefferson addressing the camera]
CLIFF: Yeah, you know the reason I like this job? It's that everyday it's something different, you never know what's gonna happen on any given day ...
ELAINE: Absolutely. One day you might have to check a book in, then maybe the next day check a book out. Maybe, then, help somebody find a book ...
CLIFF: Yeah, y'know, you've really gotta stay on your toes ...
CLIFF: Especially this time of year, y'know, what with the kids going crazy, there's all ...
[they hear laughter coming from off-camera]
ELAINE: What the devil?
CLIFF: Alright, come on, let's move!
ELAINE: Okay, let's go ...
[they stop in front of two male patrons looking at the dictionary]
ELAINE: Okay, what're you doing?
PATRON 1: Uh, nothing. We're just looking up words and stuff.
ELAINE: Mm-hmm. Looking up words, what kind of words?
PATRON 1: I mean, just ... y'know, normal words.
[his friend tries to quickly close the dictionary, but Cliff stops him and looks at the page]
CLIFF: Not so fast, mister! There's some pretty smudged fingerprints right around that word right there ... "Copulation!" Now, you wanna tell us what you were really doing?
PATRON 2: Uh, we were looking up dirty words in the dictionary ...
PATRON 1: [giving his friend a dirty look] Aww!
CLIFF: Alright gentlemen, uh, you're done here. You wanna get your ass over to fiction? Get over there! Right now!
ELAINE: Try something by DH Lawrence, okay?
[as the two patrons walk off, she turns back to the camera]
ELAINE: They're not bad guys, they just can't seem to stay outta trouble ... Last week I caught 'em going through the National Geographics looking for topless shots of Tahitians ...
[she looks off-camera towards where the patrons were headed]
ELAINE: I said DH Lawrence, okay?!
[Cliff and Elaine are looking over some books]
CLIFF: Well now, I don't know which category ...
[the alarm sounds as a male patron tries to leave the library]
CLIFF: Oh, excuse me, sir. We're gonna have to see what's in that backpack.
PATRON 3: Uh, there's nothing in here.
CLIFF: Well then, why did it beep?
PATRON 3: Uh, that was my keys!
CLIFF: Yeah, this isn't an airport, sir. Let's see what's in the bag ...
[the patron tries to run out the door, but Cliff stops him]
CLIFF: Hey hey, whoa whoa!
PATRON 3: No! No!
CLIFF: What've you got in here? What is it? What is it? What is it?!?
[he pulls a book out of the backpack]
PATRON 3: Oh god!
CLIFF: [reading the title] What? "The Romantic English Garden"? This is no problem, you can just check this out. Here, check it out for him. It's alright ...
PATRON 3: I'm ruined! They are gonna keep me outta Enumclaw! Turn that damn thing off! Oh my god ...
CLIFF: It's okay, it's alright ...
[he turns to the camera]
CLIFF: Not many guys from Enumclaw, and he's into romantic English gardens, needlepoint, things like that. And y'know, I guess his buddies think he's some kinda freak or something like that. But see, to me, that's what libraries are for. I think we need, y'know, more people from Enumclaw. Well, not a lot, but ... well some. Actually, probably would be best if they stayed in Enumclaw.
[a female patron is looking through the newspaper section]
CLIFF: Oh boy, what do we have here? Excuse me, ma'am? Ma'am?
PATRON 4: Yes?
CLIFF: Uh, this is the New York Times. This is the finest newspaper in the world. When we return the New York Times, we fold it like this, understand?
PATRON 4: Yeah, sorry.
CLIFF: Okay, alright.
[she points to a crumpled-up copy of the Seattle Post-Intelligencer]
PATRON 4: Well, shouldn't that paper be folded too?
CLIFF: What, this one? Nah, that's fine. That's okay.
[Elaine and Jeff are looking at a young male librarian trying to reshelve books]
ELAINE: Okay, now that over there is Jeff, he's one of our rookie librarians. Uh, looks like he's having a hard time of it, though.
CLIFF: Yeah, I better see what's going on ... Uh, Jeff? Jeff, buddy! What's going on?
JEFF: Well, I'm trying to file this book on paleontology away but it doesn't seem to fit here.
CLIFF: Yeah, y'know what, buddy? That's because you're in the literature section. See, you wanna be-- Jeff? Jeff, you wanna be down there. Right over there, there you go.
ELAINE: Now, I don't know what they're teaching our kids in librarian school these days. I mean, guy does not know the Dewey Decimal System ...
CLIFF: Yeah, y'know, when I was in the academy they used to drill us on Dewey, like, everyday. You didn't know your Dewey, you had to go down and give 'em fifty ...
ELAINE: Right now!
CLIFF: These days, I don't know. The whole profession, it's going to hell in a handbasket.
ELAINE: Oh, it's a sad state of affairs ...
CLIFF: Am I right? Am I right?
ELAINE: Yes, you're right.
CLIFF: Am I right?
ELAINE: You're damn right!
Almost Live! was a local sketch comedy television show in Seattle, Washington, USA, produced and broadcast by NBC affiliate KING-TV from 1984 to 1999.